Here, but not here

Stevie woke up last night about 9:30 after sleeping most of the day. She seemed alert, could understand questions, but her responses were, for the most part, unintelligible. I thought I caught, "out of here." I don't know if she thought she was still in the hospital or if she was telling us that she really wanted to go. She was anxious and moving her arms about, and in a frustrated state.

We asked her if she was in pain, and she said "No." (After a lifetime of saying "Yes" to us, she's learned how to say no very well in the last few days. Well, heck, it's her right.)

We have a mild sedative that we can give to her to relieve anxiety. I crushed up the pill and mixed it with a little maple syrup (thanks for the syrup, tish!) I'd dribble a little syrup on her tongue when she wasn't looking. While she didn't like that, she won't let us put anything in her mouth or under her tongue. I think we got some of the mixture into her, and she calmed down. While she's always been a great care giver, she's not a good patient.

tish just came up as I was writing this installment. Mom's awake, a little cold, and a little disagreeable this morning. We turned up the heat in her room, put a blanket around her, turned on the radio. tish said to Mom, "Give it a few minutes and you'll be warm again." Mom's response, which tish heard very clearly: "Leave me be."

A few minutes later, she was asking for coffee and a banana. Then she changed her mind. We put a warm blanket out of the dryer on top of her, and she drifted back to sleep.

stevie returns to the roost

Stevie has always had a sense of style. In early October, she went up to San Francisco for a birthday spa treatment. We have a few pictures here of her 'do', followed by lunch atop the Hyatt.

She didn't disappoint us today upon her return from the hospital. Two great EMTs delivered her right to her bed (we have red sheets on it -- some of you know that she loves the color red.) She settled in with barely a whimper and went right to sleep. The EMTs indicated that she slept all the way home. I guess she's been partying too much.

The nurse from the hospice organization arrived a half an hour later and did an assessment. Stevie slept though it all. Everything looks good and Stevie seems real comfortable. Her regular nurse will be here tomorrow. Her physician has given her a small skin patch for pain management. It's completely non-invasive and will last (according to the instructions) for about three days. So all's well for now. She's snoozing. So far, so good!




This last picture was taken on her birthday, at the Hyatt -- doesn't she look great? She told tish that she had a great day. I sure hope so. It was special for both of us.

the calm before the storm

Mom's due home from the hospital in about an hour or so. We've prepped her room in the hope that she'll be comfortable. As she hasn't been eating or drinking in the last few days, her physicians indicate that she has about 6 or 7 days with us before she continues on her journey. I'm writing this for all of you out there who have known Stevie over the years. I hope to be able to chronicle her transition.

First of all, tish and I send a big Thank You and a long hug for your thoughts, prayers and offers of assistance, all of which are sincerely appreciated. We know that you'd like to be here to say your hellos and goodbyes, to comfort her. But the constant comings and goings of people would only serve to increase her anxiety, and we're trying to ensure she has a comfortable, tranquil environment now.

These are a few minutes of peace before life will change irreversibly for me. While I understand logically that this is the best course of action and the way that Mom wants it, emotionally I'm a wreck and just can't stop crying. It seems that if I keep busy, it isn't quite as bad...